One: Student.

Why am I so tired?

I will never understand why I convince myself I am paying attention.

Especially when I realize that it has happened again and I’ve fallen unconscious for hours.

Do You speak to me?

What are the lessons?

Certainly I must be a terrible student to be falling asleep in class all the time, and I only think that I have been awake and listening to You!

But You simply laugh and smile a mysterious smile. You whisper secrets that are nearly unintelligible and Your low chanting seems almost inaudible, as my poor brain struggles to follow along…

I have strange dreams about You.

I’ve misplaced an earring. I’ve forgotten the end of the story.  I’ve become lost in the woods.

You tell me not to worry.

You remind me that important things are never truly lost.

You assure me that the words will come to me; that the path will appear soon enough.

My confusion, my loss, my fear is only temporary; these are nothing more than what has grown from the misplaced beliefs and comfortable illusions I’ve created.

Your face, Your hands, the weight of Your presence are the only tangible things to believe in, the only solid proof to be trusted.

But I am afraid to close my eyes.

I cling to Your hand.

I falter; I fail.

The tears flow out from my eyes.  I am ashamed of my fear, my indecision, my helpless rage.

But You…

You run Your thumb under each of my eyes and lick Your fingers thoughtfully, nodding as You respond:

You worry too much.  You think too much.  Trust Me.

Epiphany

When I first started working with  Odin, everything felt like a distraction.

And recently, in response to my distracted nature, it seemed that Odin had shut off my connection with everyone but Him.

Or so I thought.

But the other night, it turns out that it would seem that Loki is getting through anyway.

I woke up this morning with Vertical Horizon’s Everything You Want inexplicably stuck in my head.

Though I was – until this morning – only vaguely familiar with the song, what was stuck in my head was the chorus:

He’s everything you want

He is everything you need

He is everything inside you 

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But He means nothing to you 

And you don’t know why.

And my first thought was that this had to be Odin… talking about Loki, because, as I said, Odin has been the only one I’ve been allowed to hear lately.

But then I got a sudden flash of Loki – sitting at the base of my Eiwhaz tree – and suddenly it occurred to me.

Perhaps it was Loki Who is singing the lyrics?

So I cued up the lyric video – which didn’t load.

Then, I cued up the official video

…wondering if this was perhaps part of the lesson:

I’d be forced to focus on listening (in order to hear the lyrics) without the ease of being able to read them as I listened to the song.

Lyrics:

Somewhere there’s speaking
It’s already coming in
Oh and it’s rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you’re here and you don’t know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won’t return

[Chorus]
He’s everything you want
He’s everything you need
He’s everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone
To put you together
You’re waiting for someone to push you away
There’s always another wound to discover
There’s always something more you wish he’d say

[Chorus]

But you’ll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It’s only what you’re asking for
And you’ll be just fine
With all of your time
It’s only what you’re waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won’t return

But then, upon hearing the final chorus – I suddenly saw a flash of Odin.

(Things have shifted, yes?)

And you know what? 

the last verse is definitely a pronoun shift, as the singer, sounding rather resigned, sings:

I am everything you want

I am everything you need

I am everything inside you that you wish you could be

I say all the right things

At exactly the right time…

But I mean nothing to you

And I don’t know why.

(from here)

~~~

Looking at websites as SongMeanings and SongFacts, you may see a lot of commentary that insists that Everything You Want is a song about God, or perhaps Jesus, speaking to a struggling devotee, and though I am by no means a Christian, I can see definitely see the logic in that interpretation.

But Matt Scannell, the singer for Vertical Horizon, admits that the meaning of the song has to do with ‘[this] person who could see everything around her except for the thing that could actually help her.  [She was] a sort of tormented, glasses-half-empty person who was in pain about a bunch of things that had happened to her in her life, and always wound up looking to the wrong places to find solace and to find help. And then when that was over, she would just be emptier than she was before. And I could just see her… sinking. And it was …from my perspective, a sense of wishing that she would turn to me, and… realize that I wanted to help her in ways that maybe she couldn’t see as it being what she really needed … So in the last chorus is really that chance [that I had] to say, ‘Hey, look – enough. I love you. I can help you, but I don’t mean anything to you at all.… But if you’re asking me directly, that’s really where it came from.”

~~~~

So, in a sense, that further pushes me toward the previously mentioned spiritual interpretations about struggling devotees…who don’t see the forest for the trees.

Hm.

God of the Hanged

A powerful post by John T Mainer:

https://mainer74.wordpress.com/2017/05/22/heimthingudr-hanga-visitor-of-the-hanged/

As a person who was once prone to suicidal ideation insofar as I’ve attempted to hang myself twice (albeit, badly) and survived, I can relate to this post on several levels.

Hanging yourself is a desperate way to die, and unfortunately, I’ve learned firsthand how desperate the noose can feel.

But it was not until I experienced a structured ordeal in 2013 that brought me as close to the edge of the experience of death by hanging (without the involuntary transformation of death) that I realized the true measure of terror in a death by hanging.

Shit-breeks, indeed…as one’s body revolts in customary ways.

But three times’ a charm, as they say…and therein lies the reasons I’d never wish to venture there again.

Don’t want to push my luck.

i_was_hanging_from_a_tree____by_jects

(digital artwork: i_was_hanging_from_a_tree by Jects)

Dream-sequence.

I had this vivid dream.

It began innocently enough.  My husband and I were at the beach enjoying some sort of vacation, when I was summoned away by two men.

They had come looking for me, insistent that my presence was necessary to some ritual.  Though they tried to give me directions, their explanations were contradictory if not somewhat confusing to me.

But rather than to admit I was confused, I pretended to understand them as I followed them into the woods.

Following them was difficult, and before long, I got lost in the woods.

There were so many distractions, they said, but they demanded that I observe these animals which came into my path.  One of these distraction was that I kept feeling drawn to chasing these leaves, as the words formed in the flurry of leaves around me were like a rune puzzle I had to solve.  Somehow I believed that the runes-words would help me understand what these men wanted of me.

Thus, they told me what to do to follow them and how to do what they wanted, but I still had trouble staying on task.

It was like a string of fairy tale puzzles, or perhaps even a poem…as the two strangers told me these directions:

Follow the wolf to water.

Watch how the fox woos his mate.

Listen to three blackbirds building their nest and it is of vital importance to memorize their song.

Follow the bear hunting his meal

And you must undo your hair (as I braided my hair before I fell asleep) and in the undoing, carefully now, you must undo the weaving of the path – for every undoing it is a turn in the road.

Left then two right turns then a left and a right then stop and drink.

Be certain to heed the angle of the sun.

And only then, when it is all undone, might you look back where you have been.

~~~

When all was said and done, we were at the top of a steep hill, perhaps a mountain.

True to their word, it was a stunning overview of the path I had taken to follow them over the past several hours and I could see down into the valley and the beach I had left.

Looking down, I assumed it would take me a few hours to get back to beach (and also, back to my husband, who was waiting there.)

Much to my dismay, I realized I couldn’t see myself making it back before sundown- I knew I’d lose the way in the dark.

“I am afraid of the dark,” I whimpered, suddenly disinterested in the stunning views.

And Odin — yes it was Odin — chuckled and asked me: It is no matter; what have you learned?  Tell me how the wolf finds water, the Fox his mate, the birds their nest, the bear his meal and how do you undo the riddle in your hair?  Do you know the runes?  The door is wide and you will walk through it . Have you solved the puzzle? 

You  have spent time with Me.

Now you may go home.

And suddenly I was back on the beach.
And my husband lay in the sand, sunbathing.

As my shadow fell over him, he looked up at me, grinning, nonchalantly, as if I’d only been gone but a moment.

He looked relaxed, unconcerned with the passage of time it had taken me to return, perhaps unaware how I had been retrieved back to him.

I asked him how long I had been gone.

“I dunno…maybe 15 minutes?”

It was weird!

~~~
Now awake, I think more upon this dream:

The wolf wet his ear.

There was water on their fingers as They* touched my ears.

The Fox woos his mate by arming/marking her chest with blood.

I look down at my chest, knowing what I saw, but I am relieved to see no marks, no blood.

The bird song is a pattern in the forest, a trail marked by sticks.

Perhaps like the Glory Twig…I saw bundles of sticks in patterns strangely familiar, but I’m not certain of their meanings.

And the runes on the leaves – I chased them on the wind and it brought everything – including me! – further into the woods.  Brought me to them.

(Like the runes on the travel charm).

In the dream, I recall I had wanted to braid some of these leaves into my hair, but I didn’t know how.  So I shyly asked the other man to help me, and he did by placing a few of them into my hair, casually mentioning how they could be woven into a pattern.

(I remember the other man talking as he helped me collect and place the leaves in before I had to unbraid my hair….and his words were a pattern too.**)

We should hurry up, He had whispered to me, He has been waiting a long time, and suddenly His tone seemed reminiscent of a young boy conspiring to play hooky, reluctant to go back to school.

When I apologized, He only laughed, responding:

He is patient. 

The sweat of your brow is what He wants.  He wants your difficulties.

Oh, and those thoughts in your head. *tapping my head for emphasis*  They mean something. 

This work.  This is the work.  These are the lessons. 

Make the pattern with your words always. 

The patterns of words bring Us to you, and you to Us.

A prayer.  An offering.

We are listening.

~~~

It was nice to think that I got to see Loki even if I didn’t realize it…or get to choose how I could touch Him.

(However, He was allowed to choose how to touch me.  But I notice that He was careful not to be too much of a distraction – not too distracting!  I suppose I’ve still got lessons to learn.)

And before I woke up, the last thing He said:

You must not get distracted so easily until We are done with the lessons.

(I don’t know which lessons, or to whom He was referring: He and I? Odin and I?)

~~~

* There were always two men throughout the dream – yet oddly enough, there seemed to be only one present and talking to me at any given time – though it was not until afterwards that I realized Who each of Them seemed to be!

** Perhaps he was Loki? – and He was explaining how He had taught Odin the song that got me to listen?

How odd it feels – to be certain and yet uncertain….at the same time!

~~~~

Sending.

Know how to cut them,
know how to read them,
Know how to stain them,
know how to prove them,
Know how to evoke them,
know how to score them,
Know how to send them,
know how to send them.’

~~~~

He asks me if I know how to send.
As in an idea, as in energy.
It’s not so much manipulation as highlighting an idea.

Send it to their head.

Empty stomach, empty head.
Do it now.

He tells me it is very much like a game that I had played as a child:

I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10.

Concentrate on that number.

Now. Send me that number.

If it is manipulation, it is implanting an idea-an illusion – ‘pushing’ the energy/idea at them.

Perhaps it is simply a form of persuasion, a basic negotiation.
I saw him sitting before me: and I sent an image to him just as he did me.
You can accept… or reject.

A strong person knows their own mind, a ‘weak’ person can be swayed, in that sense.

~~~~

Do you sense it?

Yes.

You can feel it, yes?

You can send the desire to contact, to engage to another. 

You invite across space. 

This is why you must be careful of your thoughts, the images you project towards yourself, about yourself. 

Practice waiting.  Luring. Connecting. 

Practice being the gatekeeper of your own thoughts. 

It’s all about self control. 

A self-possessed person can manifest anything they want if they send it out there.

Thoughts have that power. 

Thoughts can bring things to you- it’s a form of manifestation. 

You can create reality for yourself: what you want.  You can create what other people want of you.

~~~~
And I saw him.  Sitting before me.  He looked young, feral, noble.

Light brown hair, beard, piercing blue eye(s) -grey clothes/furs, mixed with black.
Send to me.  I am waiting, he said.

A thought put forward with an added energy push.

For the first time ever, I complied.

No tricks, no switching, no distractions were necessary.
And it was rather intense and yet hugely fulfilling.

Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I wasn’t fighting anymore.

New blog

Hi.

Welcome to my new blog.  I’m glad that you are here.

I occupy myself these days as a middle-aged writer, artisan and teacher of rather moderate ability, who is prone to random fits of curiosity,sarcasm and misanthropy.

As the subtitle may have informed you, I am also a volva.

Spiritually, I identify as a Lokean and a hedge-witch.

Since my latest path of study involves working with runes, astral travel and seidhr, these latest developments have led me somewhat surprisingly, toward further work with Odin.

So…why a new blog, you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you:  As much as I enjoy writing in my other blog (see, there is a reason why my writing style may seem a little bit familiar to you), I felt the need to expand myself elsewhere for two very specific reasons:

First and foremost, there’s been a change in focus as my increasingly intensive and specific work with Odin has caused Loki to step back a bit.

Therefore, this blog will focus more upon my work – and therefore my interactions – with Odin rather than my interactions with Loki.

So there you have it.

The TL;DR version is that this will be the blog of a Lokean writing about working with Odin.

Welcome to my new blog

~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Offerings.

I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.

   Jack Kerouac